Posted in Road

Alternate Transportation

You can’t drive a camper across a bridge if their isn’t a complete bridge. Campers cannot jump a bridge like some sort of action movie. They are too heavy and can’t drive fast enough.

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You would think that someone in the road construction business would put up more barriers then a sign informing us a few feet from the drop that the bridge is out. The lights on the sign weren’t blinking so that’s, clearly, a safety issue. We’re lucky that it wasn’t dark out!

The sign says that we can click for “Alternate Transportation”. Mr. C. Cow thought this meant that a GIANT BIRD would swoop down, pick up the camper, and safely put it on the other side. I just thought it would give you a map for a different route. I kinda like his creative transportation better.

Before backing the camper up to a safe distance where we could turn around (which happened to be, at least, two miles of driving backwards) Mr. C. Cow jumped out of the camper to check out the edge of the bridge. I’m not a fan of half crumbling bridges mixed with heights so I thought he was being a tad bit nuts. To satisfy his curiosity we took a picture of the edge of the bridge and one of him posing with a sign.

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I agree with the sign. I can’t look either. 

Lesson here? If you’re doing bridge work don’t put your safety signs right before a large drop into a body of water. Campers have brakes but they don’t stop on a dime.

“Tipsy” Cerulean

Location: Route 8 In Darvos (G)

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Posted in Road, Tourist Attraction, Town/City

Kazoo Kablamo

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Sometimes the road ends and you are left with no place to go.

I’m not talking about the end of a journey you silly postcard readers! I’m talking about not having a road to drive on anymore!

We came to the end of a long and winding road the other day that left us no choice but to take a ferry across to the other side. Mr. C. Cow was convinced that we could just drive there but I had to point out a few important facts about campers.

  1. Campers are not submarines.
  2. The windows on the camper are not water tight.
  3. We cannot just drive on the water as we would just sink. (I also had to explain to Mr. C. Cow that you can’t drive on the bottom of the ocean.)
  4. We don’t float.
  5. They do not make swimmies big enough for a camper.

After convincing him that the camper cannot cross the water without the help we missed the ferry. Luckily, there was another one that was coming along in an hour. It gave us time to wander around the small town along the docks.

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We found a small record store and were able to purchase some new music for the camper. Did you know that you can actually buy music that isn’t in some sort of MP3, sound file, computer music magic-majigy? WILD! I picked out some lovely standards of jazz while Mr. C. Cow thought purchasing something called “Kazoo Kablamo” was a good choice. My poor ears are already frightened trying to figure out what this will sound like.

When the ferry came we, very carefully, drove the camper on board. I told Mr. C. Cow that everything was going to be ok. The camper did not need to put a swim suit on. He did not need to wear nose plugs while riding on the ship. When we get back on the road I think we’ll have to discuss ferry’s and how they actually work. Hopefully I don’t have to explain it to him while listening to kazoo music.

“Tipsy” Cerulean 

Location: West Of The Rain (M)

Posted in Food, Tourist Attraction, Town/City

Rum Bucket

We stopped at a sea port the other day to do a bit of camper supplies refueling. Mr. C. Cow put on a pirate hat and a patch to try to fit in with the locals. I, personally, think that the fake parrot on his shoulder was going a bit overboard. He explained to me that, in these types of places, one must look the part. For some strange reason he felt that the shopping was best left to him. Mr. C kept mumble-mooing about “lingo”, “barter”, and “danger”. He is the most caring friend in the world and I trust him to not only keep me safe but re-supply the camper. It doesn’t hurt that he is did take swashbuckling classes in college.

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I decided that I would trust Mr. C. Cow. I didn’t exactly fit in with my outfit and I didn’t really feel like changing. A fake neon boa, 3 foot high (and perfectly sculpted I must say) beehive, and sunglasses the size of a bowling ball don’t make one look very sea harbor shanty town ahoy. Perfectly content I sat in the camper reading the latest “Martini Times” magazine. Even had the time to make and eat a cheese and cracker plate without anyone chewing up all of my crackers!

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Three hours later Mr. C. Cow came back with what could possibly be the best and worst items to ever be called camper supplies.

Gigantic Bucket Of Rum: GOOD!
Magic 8 Ball That Only Answers With An “Arrrr”: BAD!
Comfy Blanket: GOOD!
Toilet Paper Made Of Poky Wood Shavings: BAD!

I’m still trying to figure out how Mr. C. Cow felt that toilet paper made out of wood shavings was a positive purchase. He informed me that, when bartering with pirates, you sometimes have to make concessions. That kinda sounds like some sort of life advice. I’m, at least, grateful for a comfy blanket and a bucket of rum.

“Tipsy” Cerulean

Location: Hedeby (M)

Posted in Beach, Nature, Tourist Attraction

Shells Optional

Today I let Mr. C. Cow do most of the driving.  I was feeling a tad bit under the weather and needed to take a nap. When I awoke I noticed that we had turned off the major highway and were driving the camper on a beach. I’m amazed he didn’t get us stuck in the sand!! Or drive into the water! I don’t really want to find out if we would float or not. Maybe I should let him drive more often when I’m awake. Just in case he thinks a camper can fly.

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I’m not saying he’s not a good driver. He just…get’s a little distracted at times. Sometimes he’s too busy playing air guitar to pay attention to road signs. One time he was trying to eat noodles and drive with his back hoofs. Funny to watch but not so funny when you can’t really see the road driving this way.

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Can you image if I had to teach him how to drive a stick?

Your Friend,
“Tipsy” Cerulean

Location: Da Vinci Gardens (G)

Posted in Tourist Attraction, Town/City

Mayor Chicken

The other day Mr. C. Cow and I drove through a town that had a chicken statue.

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I thought that, maybe, the chicken had been some sort of historical figure. The world was a different time when the Chicken was alive. Back in 1743 Captain Chicken found himself surrounded by the great turkey hordes from the North. His rations as well the moral of his soldiers was low. Only armed with a corn kernel and his own drumsticks, Captain Chicken was able to defeat the invading poultry army. The villagers rejoiced in his victory and decided to erect a statue in his honor.

Mr. C. Cow thought he might be the founding chicken father of the village. A long time ago chickens would travel via wagon train to find a new home. Making his way through the dangerous swamps of North DaLafornia, Mr. Chicken came across a clearing. Here, he felt, was the perfect place to settle down. Maybe raise a few eggs. Build a few coops. Here, in this beautiful clearing, a village was born. In honor of founding the village they erected a statue in his honor.

How did this chicken statue get here? Who built it? Was he an important chicken? Our imaginations ran wild as we got back into the camper and sped off. After about an hour we realized something…..WE FORGOT TO READ THE STATUES PLAQUE!

“Tipsy” Cerulean

Location: New Toulouse (M)

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Posted in Nature, Tourist Attraction

Wrong Turn At Albuquerque

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Mr. C. Cow and I have decided to write a few camper tips to save you all from the dangers of the road. We’ve been doing this for a long time so, I guess, you could consider us camper experts. Camper-sperts. Experters.

We’re still working on a word.

Our expertise in the wonderful world of travel became glaringly apparent when we accidentally drove up the side of a volcano. The expert part was not the volcano driving but the fact that we survived. No one should have to hear a cow goat scream in terror as it leads to many sleepless nights.

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Here is a list of a few things you should be mindful of when on the road.

Do not drive your camper up the side of an active volcano. Besides melting your tires and risking death it’s just not a smart thing to do. Sure. It looks pretty, especially at night, but it’s not a good thing. Lava hot.

To avoid a volcano driving underwater is also not advised. Campers cannot swim. Some do float but I don’t recommend flooding your engine with water and possible lava from above.  Not to mention explosive interaction with water and lava as well as other science-y things.

 If you run out of pretzels don’t panic and start driving erratically. Just find the nearest carry out/gas station/grocery store and buy more.

Don’t forget to bring your towel.

 I think that you all know by now that a first aid kit, spare tire, martini making supplies, and tools are essential while traveling. Have you ever thought about the importance of ear and nose plugs? If you’re traveling with someone who moo snores or seems to get gas all the time then you need them.

 Always travel with multiple pairs of sunglasses. Not only will you look cool but you’ll be happy you brought extras when your travel buddy sits on them.

Find Um’ Don’t Grind Um’. Woooooooo!!!

Motor oil can not be used to pop popcorn.

If you can’t see over the steering wheel and need to prop yourself up you can use the 50 empty pizza boxes SOMEONE left in the camper. Just make sure they are not open. No one likes sitting on melty cheese.

Don’t forget to hug your travel buddy and tell them you are happy they are with you every day. It’s important because, without them, sometimes you wouldn’t have a list of things to look out for.

Be safe. Don’t drive on an active volcano. Don’t sit on melty cheese.

“Tipsy” Cerulean

Location: Orwood Volcano (G)

Posted in Food, Resort/Hotel

Insta-Graham

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Using a wok in a small kitchen can be hazardous to your health. After attempting to use a wok in the camper and accidentally jabbing Mr. C. Cow in the side with the handle we decided to go out to eat. We saw a fancy hotel with a restaurant just up the road a few miles that gave us the opportunity to put on something fancy. It also prevented any more handle stabbings for the evening.

Donning our finest finery we were seated at a lovely table and given their best bottle of wine. Mr. C. Cow couldn’t stop laughing at my hair as it seemed to blend into the plants behind me. I told him it wasn’t funny as I was just coordinating my outfit to my surroundings. (Don’t tell him I did that on accident!). The food was amazing but my laughing cow companion was the best part of the meal. I’ve never seen one cow eat so many deserts at one sitting! I sure hope he doesn’t get camper sick!

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Your probably under the impression, with all of the postcards we send you, that we seem to eat a lot of food. Mr. C. Cow and I would like to point out that there are three meals a day and we do use our camper kitchen often as well as a travel grill to make many of our meals. Like a person on one of those facespace insta-graham cracker picture things we are guilty of taking pictures of food and sharing. Many of the places seem to have awesome postcards in the gift shops as well. In our defense it’s sometimes easier to eat at a lovely place we find while on the road then trying to cook together in a camper kitchen. Mr. C. Cow is so beefy that I sometimes have to stand in the sink to season things. It’s not pretty.

“Tipsy” Cerulean

Location: Brunel Hall Restaurant And Hotel (M)